The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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