The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
