i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
