You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
