They should really pass out barf bags in church
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
