I think I am morally bankrupt
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
