I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
