sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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