i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
try to milk me bitch
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