Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think I sprained my soul last night
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
