i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
