I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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