this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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