You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
