I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
