What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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