i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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