I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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