it wasn't lemon gatorade
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
