Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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