Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
