I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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