Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
