Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
