so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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