So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
