Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
