im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
