I could make wine with my vomit
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
