I want to have your abortion
I cannot find my penis.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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