And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
