I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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