I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
