Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
