Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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