hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
