My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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