dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need a beard to bite.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
