Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
