she woke up with a sticky ear
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
