The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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