I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
