two words: eviction party
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
