There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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