Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
