The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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