Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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