i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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