You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
