the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
