I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
