He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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